So I’ve decided to change the title of my blog. I’m no longer going to be ‘well this is my messed up mind’ because I don’t feel like it suits me any more; I don’t want to automatically come across as a negative blog, I want to try to be positive, I want to fill others with positivity. Of course, there shall probably be the odd negative post about how I’m feeling, but that’s normal for me because I have a mental illness, and I shouldn’t be ashamed to admit that any more, nobody should.
So I got the title ‘Living Between the Gaps’ from a book I have to read for my Literature A-level named The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. It was just any ordinary sentence, but alike many random sentences, this one just seemed to get stuck in my head. It just resonated with me, and so the decision came into my mind that it had to be the new title for my blog; if I am going to accept my mental illness and try to live the best life I can I need to stop filling not only myself with negativity, but also my social media, including this blog.
Since I’m here I thought I’d also do a brief update of what’s been happening in my life.
I’d finished school, and wasn’t too keen on staying home all the time due to family issues, so I was offered the chance to volunteer at my school to help some of the other children that have special needs. At first, I wasn’t sure whether to accept this offer or not, but I’m so glad I did. As someone who has always found it easy to accept those different to myself, I knew it wouldn’t be difficult for me to be able to help them and show empathy, but I didn’t realise how beneficial it could also be to me.
I suffer with a variety of anxiety disorders such as OCD, and a common piece of advice given by therapists is ‘distract yourself’. At first, I personally felt that it would never work, and never gave it the chance, but since being rushed off my feet with all of these children I haven’t had much time to think about the things going on at home, or the thoughts in the darker corners of my mind.
I just don’t know what I’ll do when everyone goes on their summer holidays. What will I have to distract myself? What if something bad happens at home? What if I get too bad and can’t take it any more?
I think its really sad that I think these words (or something along the lines of it) at least 1000 times a day. No exaggeration. Me; a 15 year old girl who is supposed to have a whole world of opportunities ahead of her, feeling so depressed and anxious every day of my life for as long as I can remember.
I can remember starting to feel all these negative emotions from about six years old. In my opinion, there’s something very wrong with that. Six year olds should not be feeling that life is pointless and that they are worthless, whilst feeling all of these irrational body issues.
One of the saddest things about this is that I know that it’s not normal to feel like this, and yet I keep at it. I’m going around in a constant cycle. I will wake up one morning and feel great. Wait an hour, and I’ll be praying that a car shall lose control and hit me. It’s not normal, and yet I see no way to stop it.
I see so many posts with the words “you are in control of your happiness”. I would love to be in control of my happiness. But at 15 years old, there isn’t too much that I can do. The only way that I shall gain happiness is with a fresh start. My own place, away from any ongoing family issues that shall plague me until I get out on my own. My own independence.
The thing is, I actually want to do something about this negativity, sometimes. But how? What can I do to stop this cycle?
There isn’t really a point to this post, but I kind of felt like I needed to get this off of my chest, or at least hope that this shall reach out to someone else who perhaps feels, or has felt the same way.