A Change In Title

So I’ve decided to change the title of my blog. I’m no longer going to be ‘well this is my messed up mind’ because I don’t feel like it suits me any more; I don’t want to automatically come across as a negative blog, I want to try to be positive, I want to fill others with positivity. Of course, there shall probably be the odd negative post about how I’m feeling, but that’s normal for me because I have a mental illness, and I shouldn’t be ashamed to admit that any more, nobody should.

So I got the title ‘Living Between the Gaps’ from a book I have to read for my Literature A-level named The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. It was just any ordinary sentence, but alike many random sentences, this one just seemed to get stuck in my head. It just resonated with me, and so the decision came into my mind that it had to be the new title for my blog; if I am going to accept my mental illness and try to live the best life I can I need to stop filling not only myself with negativity, but also my social media, including this blog.

Since I’m Here…

Since I’m here I thought I’d also do a brief update of what’s been happening in my life.

I’d finished school, and wasn’t too keen on staying home all the time due to family issues, so I was offered the chance to volunteer at my school to help some of the other children that have special needs. At first, I wasn’t sure whether to accept this offer or not, but I’m so glad I did. As someone who has always found it easy to accept those different to myself, I knew it wouldn’t be difficult for me to be able to help them and show empathy, but I didn’t realise how beneficial it could also be to me.

I suffer with a variety of anxiety disorders such as OCD, and a common piece of advice given by therapists is ‘distract yourself’. At first, I personally felt that it would never work, and never gave it the chance, but since being rushed off my feet with all of these children I haven’t had much time to think about the things going on at home, or the thoughts in the darker corners of my mind.

I just don’t know what I’ll do when everyone goes on their summer holidays. What will I have to distract myself? What if something bad happens at home? What if I get too bad and can’t take it any more?

“They’re a bit OCD”

Those were the words I heard from a characters mouth on Channel 4’s Hollyoaks, about an hour ago. Don’t worry, I don’t actually watch the programme. My step-mum and brother were watching it at the time.

As someone who has suffered greatly with OCD, I certainly do not appreciate my disorder being used as a description word. OCD is an illness that has completely changed my life. It has ruined opportunities for me. I’m not the only one; OCD transforms and potentially ruins many lives around the world.

For those of you who don’t understand what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is, I shall tell you. OCD is a mental disorder that causes the sufferer to have obsessive thoughts about unpleasant or unwanted things, which can lead to compulsive behaviours to decrease the negative emotions such as anxiety that are caused by these. These obsessions are not nice, and can turn into extremely time-consuming behaviours that can lead someone to not being able to leave the house without doing them. OCD is an anxiety disorder. It is not a description.  For those of you that feel that my description didn’t clarify the disorder well enough for you, here’s a link to the NHS page that describes OCD in a bit more detail:


So why am I angry that a TV programme used a mental disorder as a description? First of all, it’s very frustrating to those who suffer with OCD, as the programme maintains the ongoing stereotype around OCD that claims that people “are OCD” if they like to have their things in a certain order or like to be neat. I can promise you, that is not what OCD is all about. I can guarantee that fairly soon I shall hear an individual near me use OCD as a description word. I hear it all the time, and it is so frustrating to hear someone relate someone’s little quirk to the disorder that I suffer with. The little quirk of there’s does not mean that they would willingly rather die than not carry it out. Their little quirk does not cause them to almost take on a completely different personality as a result. It is shocking that a well known channel such as Channel 4 would even think that it is okay to use a disorder as a description word.

It’s also another stab at the ongoing stigma surrounding mental illnesses. If this programme decided to describe someone as “a bit cancer”, or “a bit arthritis” , there would be an uproar of people disgusted at the fact that a physical illness had been used as a describing word. So why should the description of a mental disability be any different? The only difference between a mental disability and a physical disability is that you cannot see the mental disability. But, that doesn’t mean that it’s not there, and it certainly doesn’t mean that it doesn’t cause offence or upset when someone uses it as a description.

I have made a complaint to Channel 4 about this, and I do hope that others have too. I am hopeful for a response to my complaint, as I, alike many, are wishing for a day when mental illnesses are finally taken seriously.

A walking contradiction begins?

I can’t wait to be on my own, you know? To be able to do what I want. To be able to eat what I want. To be able to sleep when I want. To be able to lay there all day if I want to. To be able to do pilates all day if I want to. To watch every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians if I want to. To have a shower ten times in a day. You get the point; to be me.
I find comfort in solitude. Yeah, sometimes I still get a bit scared when a neighbour stomps up their stairs late at night, but I’m never going to get over that; I’m a highly anxious and paranoid person. I want to have my own house. I want to have my own space. I want to have my own success. I want to have my own house.
And yet at the same time I don’t want to live. I’m scared of life. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of humans and I’m ashamed to be one. I’m so unmotivated and sick of being me with all my disorders that make my life so difficult. I mean I can’t even function without doing the smallest of things and yet I think I could possibly have a future? I didn’t even expect to get to this age. Even my mother didn’t expect me to get to this age. And that hurts. It hurts that I’m not the only one who thinks that I’m not going to last much longer. And at the same time, I’m glad that that’s not another thing that adds to my totally insane and irrational thoughts.
I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m blabbing and contradicting myself here. I just feel that I need to get the thoughts out of my head and onto somewhere to make me feel better,even if I don’t deserve it. And maybe, just maybe I’ll find someone that actually feels the same as me, because apparently I’m not alone, and I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not.