Since I’m Here…

Since I’m here I thought I’d also do a brief update of what’s been happening in my life.

I’d finished school, and wasn’t too keen on staying home all the time due to family issues, so I was offered the chance to volunteer at my school to help some of the other children that have special needs. At first, I wasn’t sure whether to accept this offer or not, but I’m so glad I did. As someone who has always found it easy to accept those different to myself, I knew it wouldn’t be difficult for me to be able to help them and show empathy, but I didn’t realise how beneficial it could also be to me.

I suffer with a variety of anxiety disorders such as OCD, and a common piece of advice given by therapists is ‘distract yourself’. At first, I personally felt that it would never work, and never gave it the chance, but since being rushed off my feet with all of these children I haven’t had much time to think about the things going on at home, or the thoughts in the darker corners of my mind.

I just don’t know what I’ll do when everyone goes on their summer holidays. What will I have to distract myself? What if something bad happens at home? What if I get too bad and can’t take it any more?

Right, let’s get back to it, I guess..

Apologies that I haven’t been blogging recently. I’ve been neck-deep in revision and exams and really haven’t had the time to take a moment to blog about my day, as much as I’ve¬†wanted to. In about a weeks time, however, I shall be school free for a few months, so shall definitely have time to do a lot of blogging, I hope!

So, on the 10th of June, I shall have finally finished secondary school. How am I feeling about that? Excited? Scared? Nervous? Sad? All of the above? Definitely. Although I’ve hated most of my secondary school days, and as excited as I am to move on with my life and experience new things, it’s extremely scary to realise just how fast time is going.

I know, that sounds ridiculous; I’m a 16 year old girl who has a lot more years ahead of her, if fate shall have it. But getting to know new people, leaving a handful of people who I genuinely like and shall miss behind, finding my feet in a new place, and continuing my ongoing battle to become a happy, healthy person both physically and mentally is going to be a struggle. And that’s what makes me scared.

The fact that I never even considered getting this far also causes a lot of panic for me. Nor my mother, my school, or even myself thought that I would get to this stage; that I would live the day that I complete my exams, that I would turn sixteen. It’s so so scary and really makes me wonder how on Earth I’ve gotten this far, and why? I know, I know, it’s my obsessive thinking again, but can I really continue living this life when I feel like this? When I’ve finally found an area in school with staff to support and help me?

Life is scary.

I’m scared of the future

The future really scares me. It always has, right from when I was very little. I used to cry myself to sleep at six years old worrying about getting old, about not being as capable as I was before. It’s kind of funny, and kind of worrying, that at six years old, I was worrying about such things.

But my fears seem to stem from when I was younger and continue. I was waiting for my bus a few days ago and I started panicking at the fact that I’m soon going to be leaving secondary school, that soon I’ll have to be more independent and pay bills and live on my own and do grown up stuff

Sometimes people try to comfort me by saying “one day, you’ll get married and have children”. That comment can really scare me. Me, children? I used to always want children, but that responsibility, that life in your hands, is a pretty scary thing that no one really appreciates fully. That little person could become even more messed up than me, thanks to me.

My Dad has always said “the moment I can’t take myself to the toilet. I’m putting a bullet straight through my head”. When I was younger, that thought used to be terribly upsetting. Now, I seem to be holding the same opinion.

I think I’m scared of life as a whole. I guess some people just aren’t cut out for life.

Again, apologies, this is a really weird post.