I shouldn’t be allowed thoughts at night

So I’ve been sat here texting a friend about a party she went to last night and all of a sudden I got really sad.
It made me question myself. When was the last time I went to a party? When was the last time I got a bit drunk and had a genuinely amazing night? When was the last time I had someone to be with?

The answer is at least 7 months.

I know what you’re thinking; “You’re sixteen, why are you even thinking stuff like this, why do you want stuff like this? You should be focusing on other things and having fun!”
And when I ask people what the point of life is, nine times out of ten they will tell me it is to enjoy myself and be happy, but what if I’m not enjoying myself, what if I’m not happy?

What if that stuff made me enjoy myself? Because the last party I went to made me feel so free, so on top of the world. The last guy I was in a relationship with had a laugh that made the entire room laugh too, a smile so wide it took over his face, and he looked at me with that twinkle in his eye.
Now that’s gone.

I know I don’t need a guy to be happy, I should be the only person I truly need, but I can’t help thinking like this right now.

So if the point of life is to be happy, to enjoy myself, why am I living now? Because I’m not enjoying feeling this low, and I’m not happy.

So I’ve Been Thinking….

I haven’t really been thinking too long about this to be honest; probably a mere five minutes. What if I used this blog for a variety of other issues? You’ve seen the social media’s reaction to events such as the Yulin Festival, and you’ve seen petitions created on websites such as change.org and avaaz.org

What if I commented on them and gave more information about what they’re actually talking about? Would that be interesting for anyone? I feel that I have lots of view points and opinions on a wide range of different topics and really believe that I need to share them, whether to argue my case or to show others that they’re not alone with their opinions.

Feedback would be appreciated, but I might just do it anyway 🙂

Why I don’t want my daughter to pledge her virginity

So Bad Ass

Over in America there are these frankly bizarre things called Purity Balls, no, it’s not a cleanser for testicles but an event in which young girls pledge to their fathers that they won’t have sex before marriage.  Within the conservative christian movement, these purity balls are spreading and now happen in 48 states across the USA with daughters committing to “live pure lives before God” to their fathers.

The images of these balls show young girls dressed in white, like mini brides, standing by their fathers, wearing suits akin to a groom.  The ceremonies have a similar structure to a traditional wedding with vows, dinners and speeches with the average age of the girls being 12 – 13, the kind of age where puberty is becoming more apparent.

The Christian Centre, which holds purity balls in Illinois states on their website; “We hope you will join us as we encourage…

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How Hard it is to Truly Be Okay with Yourself

The Disco Pants Blog

Me in Montagu. 43 years old, no makeup, no highlights, sun damage and laugh lines. It's okay. It's me in Montagu. Me in Montagu. 43 years old, no makeup, no highlights, sun damage and laugh lines. It’s okay. It’s me in Montagu.

Some months ago we spent a few days in one of my favourite places in the world, a house high in the mountains outside the Karoo town of Montagu. I love it there because there is nothing to do but swim in the dam, go for walks, read, eat and sleep. I can’t get agitated on social media because there’s no signal and my partner, removed from email, can’t worry about work. So we drink wine and make fires and sit long under the stars and our children are happy and it’s heaven. On our first evening there we came back from a late-afternoon dip and, as the shadows of the pines starting getting long and it was time for that first glass of wine I put on a…

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I’m not happy

I think its really sad that I think these words (or something along the lines of it) at least 1000 times a day. No exaggeration. Me; a 15 year old girl who is supposed to have a whole world of opportunities ahead of her, feeling so depressed and anxious every day of my life for as long as I can remember.

I can remember starting to feel all these negative emotions from about six years old. In my opinion, there’s something very wrong with that. Six year olds should not be feeling that life is pointless and that they are worthless, whilst feeling all of these irrational body issues.

One of the saddest things about this is that I know that it’s not normal to feel like this, and yet I keep at it. I’m going around in a constant cycle. I will wake up one morning and feel great. Wait an hour, and I’ll be praying that a car shall lose control and hit me. It’s not normal, and yet I see no way to stop it.

I see so many posts with the words “you are in control of your happiness”. I would love to be in control of my happiness. But at 15 years old, there isn’t too much that I can do. The only way that I shall gain happiness is with a fresh start. My own place, away from any ongoing family issues that shall plague me until I get out on my own. My own independence.

The thing is, I actually want to do something about this negativity, sometimes. But how? What can I do to stop this cycle?

There isn’t really a point to this post, but I kind of felt like I needed to get this off of my chest, or at least hope that this shall reach out to someone else who perhaps feels, or has felt the same way.

A walking contradiction begins?

I can’t wait to be on my own, you know? To be able to do what I want. To be able to eat what I want. To be able to sleep when I want. To be able to lay there all day if I want to. To be able to do pilates all day if I want to. To watch every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians if I want to. To have a shower ten times in a day. You get the point; to be me.
I find comfort in solitude. Yeah, sometimes I still get a bit scared when a neighbour stomps up their stairs late at night, but I’m never going to get over that; I’m a highly anxious and paranoid person. I want to have my own house. I want to have my own space. I want to have my own success. I want to have my own house.
And yet at the same time I don’t want to live. I’m scared of life. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared of humans and I’m ashamed to be one. I’m so unmotivated and sick of being me with all my disorders that make my life so difficult. I mean I can’t even function without doing the smallest of things and yet I think I could possibly have a future? I didn’t even expect to get to this age. Even my mother didn’t expect me to get to this age. And that hurts. It hurts that I’m not the only one who thinks that I’m not going to last much longer. And at the same time, I’m glad that that’s not another thing that adds to my totally insane and irrational thoughts.
I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m blabbing and contradicting myself here. I just feel that I need to get the thoughts out of my head and onto somewhere to make me feel better,even if I don’t deserve it. And maybe, just maybe I’ll find someone that actually feels the same as me, because apparently I’m not alone, and I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not.