I shouldn’t be allowed thoughts at night

So I’ve been sat here texting a friend about a party she went to last night and all of a sudden I got really sad.
It made me question myself. When was the last time I went to a party? When was the last time I got a bit drunk and had a genuinely amazing night? When was the last time I had someone to be with?

The answer is at least 7 months.

I know what you’re thinking; “You’re sixteen, why are you even thinking stuff like this, why do you want stuff like this? You should be focusing on other things and having fun!”
And when I ask people what the point of life is, nine times out of ten they will tell me it is to enjoy myself and be happy, but what if I’m not enjoying myself, what if I’m not happy?

What if that stuff made me enjoy myself? Because the last party I went to made me feel so free, so on top of the world. The last guy I was in a relationship with had a laugh that made the entire room laugh too, a smile so wide it took over his face, and he looked at me with that twinkle in his eye.
Now that’s gone.

I know I don’t need a guy to be happy, I should be the only person I truly need, but I can’t help thinking like this right now.

So if the point of life is to be happy, to enjoy myself, why am I living now? Because I’m not enjoying feeling this low, and I’m not happy.

Since I’m Here…

Since I’m here I thought I’d also do a brief update of what’s been happening in my life.

I’d finished school, and wasn’t too keen on staying home all the time due to family issues, so I was offered the chance to volunteer at my school to help some of the other children that have special needs. At first, I wasn’t sure whether to accept this offer or not, but I’m so glad I did. As someone who has always found it easy to accept those different to myself, I knew it wouldn’t be difficult for me to be able to help them and show empathy, but I didn’t realise how beneficial it could also be to me.

I suffer with a variety of anxiety disorders such as OCD, and a common piece of advice given by therapists is ‘distract yourself’. At first, I personally felt that it would never work, and never gave it the chance, but since being rushed off my feet with all of these children I haven’t had much time to think about the things going on at home, or the thoughts in the darker corners of my mind.

I just don’t know what I’ll do when everyone goes on their summer holidays. What will I have to distract myself? What if something bad happens at home? What if I get too bad and can’t take it any more?

So I’ve Been Thinking….

I haven’t really been thinking too long about this to be honest; probably a mere five minutes. What if I used this blog for a variety of other issues? You’ve seen the social media’s reaction to events such as the Yulin Festival, and you’ve seen petitions created on websites such as change.org and avaaz.org

What if I commented on them and gave more information about what they’re actually talking about? Would that be interesting for anyone? I feel that I have lots of view points and opinions on a wide range of different topics and really believe that I need to share them, whether to argue my case or to show others that they’re not alone with their opinions.

Feedback would be appreciated, but I might just do it anyway 🙂

Right, let’s get back to it, I guess..

Apologies that I haven’t been blogging recently. I’ve been neck-deep in revision and exams and really haven’t had the time to take a moment to blog about my day, as much as I’ve wanted to. In about a weeks time, however, I shall be school free for a few months, so shall definitely have time to do a lot of blogging, I hope!

So, on the 10th of June, I shall have finally finished secondary school. How am I feeling about that? Excited? Scared? Nervous? Sad? All of the above? Definitely. Although I’ve hated most of my secondary school days, and as excited as I am to move on with my life and experience new things, it’s extremely scary to realise just how fast time is going.

I know, that sounds ridiculous; I’m a 16 year old girl who has a lot more years ahead of her, if fate shall have it. But getting to know new people, leaving a handful of people who I genuinely like and shall miss behind, finding my feet in a new place, and continuing my ongoing battle to become a happy, healthy person both physically and mentally is going to be a struggle. And that’s what makes me scared.

The fact that I never even considered getting this far also causes a lot of panic for me. Nor my mother, my school, or even myself thought that I would get to this stage; that I would live the day that I complete my exams, that I would turn sixteen. It’s so so scary and really makes me wonder how on Earth I’ve gotten this far, and why? I know, I know, it’s my obsessive thinking again, but can I really continue living this life when I feel like this? When I’ve finally found an area in school with staff to support and help me?

Life is scary.

Why I don’t want my daughter to pledge her virginity

So Bad Ass

Over in America there are these frankly bizarre things called Purity Balls, no, it’s not a cleanser for testicles but an event in which young girls pledge to their fathers that they won’t have sex before marriage.  Within the conservative christian movement, these purity balls are spreading and now happen in 48 states across the USA with daughters committing to “live pure lives before God” to their fathers.

The images of these balls show young girls dressed in white, like mini brides, standing by their fathers, wearing suits akin to a groom.  The ceremonies have a similar structure to a traditional wedding with vows, dinners and speeches with the average age of the girls being 12 – 13, the kind of age where puberty is becoming more apparent.

The Christian Centre, which holds purity balls in Illinois states on their website; “We hope you will join us as we encourage…

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How Hard it is to Truly Be Okay with Yourself

The Disco Pants Blog

Me in Montagu. 43 years old, no makeup, no highlights, sun damage and laugh lines. It's okay. It's me in Montagu. Me in Montagu. 43 years old, no makeup, no highlights, sun damage and laugh lines. It’s okay. It’s me in Montagu.

Some months ago we spent a few days in one of my favourite places in the world, a house high in the mountains outside the Karoo town of Montagu. I love it there because there is nothing to do but swim in the dam, go for walks, read, eat and sleep. I can’t get agitated on social media because there’s no signal and my partner, removed from email, can’t worry about work. So we drink wine and make fires and sit long under the stars and our children are happy and it’s heaven. On our first evening there we came back from a late-afternoon dip and, as the shadows of the pines starting getting long and it was time for that first glass of wine I put on a…

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